Early Inklings and The Path To Dominance
When I look back I don’t think there were any specific triggers that led me on to the path of sexual deviance. It was just always there, something below the surface but never expressed or developed. From an extremely young age probably about nine or ten I developed kinky sexual habits which centred on bondage. I loved to partially tie myself up and gag myself to masturbate. Later, I started to fantasize about being captured, taken away and used but these were very vague imaginings. I also liked playing bondage games with my school friends. I remember regularly putting the boy next door into bondage in the base of a little sofa in my bedroom. I’d take the mattress off and would weave him into the rubber straps underneath. Then I’d lie on top of him or just touch him while he was helpless. I was aroused but I’m not sure the acts were directly sexual. Perhaps, it was just that I didn’t identify or understand the feelings as ‘sexual’.
Trying To Find The Doorway
It was really in my later teens when I discovered sub/dom literature, (particularly – The Story of O, The Tattoo Enigma & The Beauty Series by Anne Rice (aka A.N.Roquelaure). That’s where I began to connect the world of SM with my inner feelings. These books led me to develop a huge fantastical landscape in my head where many, many fantasies were played out. However, that’s where my desires stayed. As I reached my twenties I discovered fetish clubs and finally began to play. You have to remember there was no internet then so there were no ways to meet likeminded individuals. I had no inkling as to there being any one else who shared my mindset.
After reading The Story of O I was certain of the existence of a kind of romanticized secret world of doms and subs who serve them – I just had to find it! I have only very briefly in my sexual experience slipped into those worlds but it’s something that I aspire to. It’s certainly a milieu and ambiance I create for slaves who serve me.
I have to acknowledge that my earliest leanings were definitely submissive though not exclusively. As a teenager, I don’t think I was in anyway mature enough to play or enjoy the dominant part of an SM relationship. I do believe that in order to really explore ones dominance you first need to have a fair amount of life experience and indeed sexual encounters – both straight and pervy.
Submission & Dominance = One Whole
So I began as a submissive, which I now know is not an uncommon route for many women who later become dominant. I was submissive from my early teens up to my early twenties, then there was a switch period and at about 27 I became completely dominant. I think that some of the best doms have been or tried at playing sub. It gives you invaluable experience of the mindset of the sub. You are able to understand how essential it is to trust the dom whose hands you are putting yourself into. It is a complicated paradox of wanting to please your dom and take and do everything they wish but having limits, needing to feel safe and ultimately respected. You understand the difference between what can be pleasurably painful and what is just downright uncomfortable and distracting. And importantly of how pleasure can turn to panic in an instant. I see someone’s submission as a precious gift; it’s like a gilded Pandora’s box that I must treasure. It must be opened and unpacked slowly and carefully.
I have often mused on the fact that the important distinction is not as to whether you are the sub or dom but whether you are straight or pervy. This is because the roles of sub and dom are co-dependant and in a sense one and the same. This is because whilst being submissive, part of the experience is identifying with the power the dominant has over you, a kind of emotional empathy and vice versa for the dominant party. Perhaps one could split this whole into two parts the cerebral as the dominant and the physical as the submissive. I’m completely dominant and have been for many years but I guess what I enjoy most is coloured by the areas of play that I enjoyed as a sub.
Initially, it was a basic magazine with only a few colour pages and snapshots of prodoms. In a short time it became a much more glamourous affair – all colour, the page count expanded and the number of dominas wanting to advertise was growing every issue and these professional dommes now ranged from the whole of North America and Europe.
The final DDI – Issue #79 Published early in 2015
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